In case you feel like reading some more! But if you are offended by the word “ding-a-ling” being used in reference to a male body part, then stop reading. This doesn’t get inappropriate at all, I promise, it just gets funny, and it is necessary to the story.
So I needed a break from homework, so I went to the basement to find my mom and dad watching football. Both of my parents get this really mean look on their faces when they watch TV. I’m serious, it is like they are hurt and confused by whatever is spewing out of the the thing. Football seems to be a relatively unoffensive channel to be watching except for the constant puns dealing with “tight ends.” This apparently infuriates them.
Me: “Who’s Playing?”
Dad: The Patriots and the Steelers. (I’m not sure if it actually was the Steelers, but I really don’t care.)
Me: Is Tom Brady still their quarterback?
Dad: Yeah, he’s married to a model.
Mom: That’s too bad.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because he texted pictures of his ding-a-ling.
I had no idea what she was talking about, or why being married to a model makes this a worse offense, but apparently it does.
An hour later or so, Ryan stopped by. He went to put the cat in the basement, so I followed him because I was bored and also I wanted to harass kitteh. My dad had left the football game on and Ryan’s all like...
“What’s this?”
Me: Football, but we’re rooting for the Steelers (or someone else) because Tom Brady texts pictures of his ding-a-ling.
Ryan: What? To whom?
Me: Um. The President.
Ryan: Why?
Me: I don’t know. I heard it’s for the our nation.
I had heard no such thing.
About 20 minutes later, I was complaining to Ryan about how much I hate the German language because it’s a pain to learn. I think I said I wanted to learn Spanish instead, and Spain would help me attack Germany to rid us of the language. I also threatened the jerks who built the Tower of Babel, but they’re already dead. Ryan said he had a friend named Juan Pedro who was born in Spain but lived in Germany and to think about that. I didn’t want to think about that.
Me: It’s too late. I killed Juan Pedro.
Ryan: I didn’t know you knew Juan Pedro.
Me: I did before I killed him last week.
Ryan: You went to Germany and didn’t tell me?
Me: Duh. It was for your job.
Ryan: You killed Juan Pedro for my job?
Me: Yeah, he was keeping me from going to war and when Germany takes over America with its “ichs” and “fragens” then the Germans will get the best jobs.
Ryan: Someone should tell the President.
Me: He’s too busy looking at Tom Brady’s ding-a-ling. It’s for the nation.
-Whitney
