Thursday, December 2, 2010

Awkward encounters and Amish people

The title of this, I realize, might be rather misleading. I did not have an awkward encounter with Amish people. I had an awkward encounter with a different kind of person than an Amish person. Not that Amish people are .......different......well, yes they are. Shut up.

Anyways, this weekend, I had the immense pleasure of meeting the friend of a mutual friend at the aforementioned mutual friend's party, and this friend...the one that...I was not previously acquainted with................could I have worded this more confusingly? No. I think not. Regardless, we'll just say I met this guy at my friend's party, and he said to me, "Hey, you're one of the writers of that website, aren't you?? I'm a follower!" To which I replied awkwardly, "I..uh....yes....I am that.....ummm...I'm uncomfortable..."

And then I got kind of overwhelmed by Party Peoples and went to hide out for a half hour in my friend's bedroom and text my mom. Because I know how to do a party right, suckas!

Anyways, awesome guy whom I had the pleasure of meeting, I'm sorry that was so awkward! I am even more sorry that I seem to have irrevocably forgotten your name....which is not cool of me. Please don't un-follow our blog because I have a terrible memory and am a sucky people person. Meanwhile, I am going to rename you Travis. While I don't remember your real name, I definitely remember that Travis is NOT the correct one, but it's too late. You will forever be Travis to me. And Travis, I want to congratulate you for being the very first Chunky Knubby Navel fan that I have met without having been acquainted prior to the launching of this blog, let alone without having nagged you to click the "follow" button. My mom hasn't even clicked the "follow" button. Meh. Oh well, at least she texts me when I am at parties and miss her. Unfortunately, Travis, I have no reward to offer you for being my first whatever it is I just said you were....and not even this Honorable Mention really counts because no one knows who I'm actually talking about.

But anyways. Thanks Travis. Feel free to comment and tell me your real name and I will probably continue to call you Travis because now it's what I remember.

Moving on. I haven't posted in quite some time.....partially because I am too busy doing important things like painting my fingernails purple, then getting bored with purple and switching to blue, then getting sick of that and going back to purple....and right now you are not getting illustrations because I just put on a fresh coat of purple and I have to be very careful typing and therefore will have no time left to do justice my masterful illustrating you get lots of fun words, yaaay!

But one of our followers sent me this message the other day:

"Dear Rachel,
While I adore posts from our good friend Whitney, I am saddened at your lack of postage on ChunkyKnubbyNavel as of late. It is distressing to me and I wish you would post again. Or else I will have to start a competing blog and out-blog you.
The end.
Your affectionate sister Liz."

I remember Liz's name so there's no need to give her a fake one...but if I had any reason to do so, I'd probably call her Penelope. But instead I'll just say Liz. It's shorter and easier to type.

Liz's note made me feel kind of guilty and sad, but it only lasted like four seconds because no one really listens to their sister. Come on. You don't listen to your sister either, Liz.  Just admit it.

So I have not had many exciting things to post about. My time has been occupied with work, which is running out of funniness because office humor can only go so far before you just want to slam your head into the copier and shut the lid down on it until you are unconscious, and maybe, if you somehow convince them that it was an equipment malfunction, they'll give you disability pay. But that's not funny. It's just sad, with maybe some free money, which is neither funny nor sad.

So when I am not at work, I am usually pestering my dad and watching movies with both my parents. 

Tonight I watched this old movie with Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley about Amish people. It was not as hilarious as my mom had led me to believe. So I got bored halfway through and went upstairs to make my bed (at nine o'clock at night, because I am too lazy to make my bed in the morning but I am really OCD and hate getting into an unmade every day, for the past 12 or so years, I have made my bed at night.) and tried not to think about how much I had to pee because I had just painted my nails and if I went pee I would have to wash my hands and that would ruin my nails so even though I'd had a hearty glass of whole milk and a cup of tea, I had to hold my pee so as not to ruin my nails. 

Whoa, wait a minute. I was talking about Amish people. Not pee. I don't understand the fascination with Amish people. There's like a trillion Christian novels about Amish people, which, if you think about it, is like the worst set up for an intriguing plot, because how exciting can their lives really be? Wouldn't excitement and drama defeat the purpose of being Amish? I have been at times compared to Amish people...because I am homeschooled. Ok, they're not the same. Doing math homework on your couch and reading classic novels for fun may make you a bit of a dweeb, but it's not the same as being Amish. I don't make quilts or wear headcoverings or churn butter or anything like that. 

So as I was watching this movie, I said to my parents, "I'm glad we're not Amish. Amish people are weird."

To which my mom replied, "Well, we're weird."

And then, in unison, my mom and I both said, "But not as weird as Amish people....."

And before you get upset about how intolerant and socially unacceptable everything I just said is, calm down. They're Amish--they don't have the internet. They'll never know.  

I realize that this post has absolutely no plot cohesion or even a solid ending, but it's over now, because I still haven't peed yet, and I think my nails are dry.


PS Brian Vulcan, I don't know you, but you have a cool name.