Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Zombie Apocalypse for Dummies

Surgery is my favorite thing in the world.  I’m not having surgery, and I haven’t had surgery recently, but today I was reminiscing about how the only time I ever get any decent sleep is during surgery.  AND after surgery, the doctor comes in and is all like “can I get you some toast” and I’m like “duh.”  Then he even lets me pick a flavor of jam and also when I get home my mom is all like, “would you like some vicodin and Chinese food?”  Basically, 90% of the good things that happen in my life occur about three hours post-op.  I’ve only had surgery twice and it was on my pinky fingers.

This has nothing to do with my story, but I’m tired.  In fact, I’m SO tired that I sent several family members a nonsense underwear-related email.  Stockings are for underwear and toothpaste, and I wanted to get this right.

“Do you want special Christmas underwear?  I can only assume that Christmas underwear would make you feel all tingly from the magic of Christmas being so near your butt.  I don't know what I meant by that.  I should stop studying and go to bed.  And I'll get you regular underwear.”

I haven’t slept in a week.  Also, beware, anyone in my family...beware of Christmasy underwear.


I was at Best Buy purchasing a few non-undergarment-related presents.  I had to stand in line for about an hour because that is what Christmas is all about.  By the time I reached the front of the line I was sweating shining with Christmas magic and grumpy not grumpy.  One of the Best Buy employees was sorting us into lines. 


Employee: Hey KIddo!

Me: Kiddo?  I’m like...married and crap.

Employee: **Squints at me, puts both hands on her hips, bends down and stares directly into my eyes** Does somebody need a cookie?

Me: **Pouts** Yes.

The moral of the story is...take cookies from strangers.  I assumed the cookie was poisonous, but I ate it anyway because I was hoping for surgery.  Also there is a very age-confused woman working at Best Buy.


I feel like complaining.  Like complaining about the Zombie Apocalypse.  Because it’s stupid.  I think I am in a bad mood because I have two different brands of contacts in my eye and one is thicker than the other and you should probably pity me because I’m like Quasimodo except instead of the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, I’m the Bumpy Eye of My Particular Apartment Complex. 

Anyway, more often than one would expect, I am asked silly questions like, “Who would win in a fight: zombies or unicorns?  What about zombies or vampires.”  And I reply with, “Let me answer your question with a question.  Is there any trick to remembering how to spell “breath” versus “breathe?”  Then no ones’ questions are answered, and I have probably written a lot of awful papers in which I “took a deep breathe.”  Also, zombies will never win anything.  Here’s my book “The Zombie Apocalypse for Dummies.”

 I hope you all have a very neutral holiday,


PS A huge "thank you" to John from Strange Weapon of the Week, for some blogging tips.  Go check out his site if you want to learn about awesome things like vomit guns.  Seriously.  It's a thing.