Sunday, February 13, 2011

Whitney Won All the Cars, but More Importantly, If You Lost Your iPhone, it is Probably Because She Stole it

Once again, it's been too long!  Unfortunately, after my intensive German class ended, a 19 credit semester began.

This week, I won all the cars.  After I won all the cars, I also learned that I was the winner of all the tobacco and all of the oil, but those responses will have to be saved for another day.  My point is, I am probably king now because I have all the things.


date: Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 3:57 AM
subject: Your Email-Id Has Won £950,000.00 In Mercedes Benz On-line Promo.Send:- Name....Address...

Your Email-Id Has Won £950,000.00 In Mercedes Benz On-line Promo.Send

fromWhitney Bradley <>
date: Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 9:43 AM
subject: Your Email-Id Has Won £950,000.00 In Mercedes Benz On-line Promo.Send:- Name....Address...


from: Mercedes Benz Company <>
date: Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 11:52 AM
subject: Serial Number MBA/8114/09

Congratulations on emerging as one of our award winners. Mercedez Benz Promo offers awards to Lucky owners of selected emails that came out in our Random Draws.For Claims purpose do contact the Natwest Bank Plc immediately with you information and Serial Number MBA/8114/09 on the contact details below:

fromWhitney Bradley <>
To <
date Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 7:14 PM
subject I Win All Your Cars

Dear Person,

Another person told me to tell you that I won all your cars.  I was not told what to include in this response, so here is a brief biography.  My name is Whitney, and I am homeless, but we don't call ourselves that.  We prefer "permanent wanderer" or "ex-pro golfer."  I access the internet by stealing iPhones from graphic design majors the community college.  I spend most afternoons down by the river making “science.”  I mix together different measurements of rocks and dirt, ingest them, and note the side effects on the wall under my bridge with one of those rocks that somehow makes chalk even though it looks like just a plain rock.  A lot of people laugh at me now because of my science, but no one will be laughing when I finally create a dirt/rock pill that prevents both pregnancy AND STDs. 

Since the car you are giving me will be my home, I would like to invite you to my house-warming party, but it will actually be very cold.  It would be lovely if you would bring the chips and salsa, but please don’t spill on my new, luxurious leather interior or I might get stabby.  Luckily for you, I am so weak from a diet of only my own failed science that if you do get stabbed, you will likely suffer no more than the equivalent of a paper cut.  But like, thick paper.



Attached is my party flyer.

You guys can all come to my party too.