Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Zombie Apocalypse for Dummies

Surgery is my favorite thing in the world.  I’m not having surgery, and I haven’t had surgery recently, but today I was reminiscing about how the only time I ever get any decent sleep is during surgery.  AND after surgery, the doctor comes in and is all like “can I get you some toast” and I’m like “duh.”  Then he even lets me pick a flavor of jam and also when I get home my mom is all like, “would you like some vicodin and Chinese food?”  Basically, 90% of the good things that happen in my life occur about three hours post-op.  I’ve only had surgery twice and it was on my pinky fingers.

This has nothing to do with my story, but I’m tired.  In fact, I’m SO tired that I sent several family members a nonsense underwear-related email.  Stockings are for underwear and toothpaste, and I wanted to get this right.

“Do you want special Christmas underwear?  I can only assume that Christmas underwear would make you feel all tingly from the magic of Christmas being so near your butt.  I don't know what I meant by that.  I should stop studying and go to bed.  And I'll get you regular underwear.”

I haven’t slept in a week.  Also, beware, anyone in my family...beware of Christmasy underwear.

I HAVE ONE MORE STORY BEFORE MY REAL STORY!

I was at Best Buy purchasing a few non-undergarment-related presents.  I had to stand in line for about an hour because that is what Christmas is all about.  By the time I reached the front of the line I was sweating shining with Christmas magic and grumpy not grumpy.  One of the Best Buy employees was sorting us into lines. 

DIALOGUE REENACTMENT!

Employee: Hey KIddo!

Me: Kiddo?  I’m like...married and crap.

Employee: **Squints at me, puts both hands on her hips, bends down and stares directly into my eyes** Does somebody need a cookie?

Me: **Pouts** Yes.

The moral of the story is...take cookies from strangers.  I assumed the cookie was poisonous, but I ate it anyway because I was hoping for surgery.  Also there is a very age-confused woman working at Best Buy.

ACTUAL STORY!

I feel like complaining.  Like complaining about the Zombie Apocalypse.  Because it’s stupid.  I think I am in a bad mood because I have two different brands of contacts in my eye and one is thicker than the other and you should probably pity me because I’m like Quasimodo except instead of the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, I’m the Bumpy Eye of My Particular Apartment Complex. 

Anyway, more often than one would expect, I am asked silly questions like, “Who would win in a fight: zombies or unicorns?  What about zombies or vampires.”  And I reply with, “Let me answer your question with a question.  Is there any trick to remembering how to spell “breath” versus “breathe?”  Then no ones’ questions are answered, and I have probably written a lot of awful papers in which I “took a deep breathe.”  Also, zombies will never win anything.  Here’s my book “The Zombie Apocalypse for Dummies.”





 I hope you all have a very neutral holiday,


-Whitney


PS A huge "thank you" to John from Strange Weapon of the Week, for some blogging tips.  Go check out his site if you want to learn about awesome things like vomit guns.  Seriously.  It's a thing.

20 comments:

  1. thinkszombiescouldbreedDecember 22, 2010 at 7:15 PM

    Whitney..if zombies bred with Kenyan men and could magically run, what weapons would be appropriate?

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  2. For pete sake. What kind of buzz words are those?

    I TOLD YOU how you utilize buzz word tags.

    I am utterly disappointed and will never read this blog again. Browsing the tags,it appears this post has nothing I would be interested in. I am only interested in tween/overly hyped political news. Unfortunately I have a severe psychological defect which forces me to read an entire article after I read the first word. Afterwards, I make an experienced and unbiased judgement of my opinion and offer free, unsolicited advice, sometimes genuinely heartwarming, but generally critical.

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  3. Ahahaha! This is an awesome post.

    Thanks for your comment on my post, and I hope this doesn't sound spammy, but my friend Ally has a blog you would probably like: http://terriblyexciting.blogspot.com/ :)

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  4. you're HILARIOUS! thanks for coming by my blog and leaving me a comment! :D christmassy underwear?? I WANNA GET ME SOME! :D

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  5. I don't love surgery :P But I do like the aftermath. Chinese food on Vicodin sounds good...

    Drugs + Greasy food. Where can you go wrong?

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  6. I feel terrible now because I call everyone kiddo. Well, not even everyone, just people I like. And I don't like very many people so I guess I don't use it as much as I think I do. Okay, I made myself feel unterrible.

    The zombie apocalypse is every where. If there was a girl in this story who was a naturally slow walker and fell in love with a zombie, you'd probably have the next Twilight on your hands.

    Lorraine

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  7. You're hilarious! Although I must say the labels on this post are the best part. Never thought I'd see Justin Bieber, zombies and surgery all in the same place.

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  8. "you should probably pity me because I’m like Quasimodo except instead of the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, I’m the Bumpy Eye of My Particular Apartment Complex" hahahaha don't worry, I pity you

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  9. I didn't just skim your book at Barnes and Noble. I skimmed it at Borders instead.

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  10. But... what about FAST zombies? Like the ones in 28 Days Later? So much for walking fast!

    Necrophobe. O.O

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  11. Lies...all lies! There is no fast zombie. Decaying muscle mass is not going to give you super speed. So nope, no such thing.

    Whitney

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  12. I just found your blog and it's brilliant.

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  13. ^ I agree with Justin! I'm sure you've seen this?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UqEhUm2B_8

    hehe..

    ~Naomi

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  14. Don't let the squirrels read this. Angry squirrels are scarier than zombies.

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  15. Thanks for coming by my blog.
    I would totally love undergarment presents. And I've never had surgery, but I really want one now :(. And I'm gonna buy your book just in case I ever encounter a zombie. Thanks a ton.

    And the tags are hilarious..

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  16. I have said some crazy things post surgery - seriously riduclous/totally embarrasing to my then fiance. I just wanted that orange popsicle (but as I told the nurse - NOT red since if I vomit it may look like I've thrown up blood and not just red popsicle). Yes I told her all that since my nurse fiance told me that. I thought she should be aware of my reasoning.

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  17. This post was totally hilarious. One time, in college, I slept over at my friend's parents' house and we slept in this huge fancy bed. Naturally, I wanted to REALLY relax so I took a couple tylenol PM. The next morning, my friend woke up super irritated with me and was like, "You were totally all over the place and out of it. I slept terrible."

    I felt bad, but on the inside, I was like, "I don't remember any of it. Best night of sleep ever. Awesome."

    Ha.

    And thanks a lot for your post. Zombies are like #3 on my list of Things to be Terrified of. Your post gave me a little bit of courage. :)

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  18. I rely on the double tap method myself, ha~ thanks for the comment on my blog! I'll be back!

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  19. loved this post mostly bcoz I have recently discovered my strong liking towards the whole zombie genre...credit goes mainly to the awesome series 'the walking dead' but it still can't hold a torch to ur zombie apocalypse for dummies and no matter what the squirrels say, I am still buying it.. :D

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  20. Great post. A neutral holiday to you too!

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