Sunday, February 13, 2011

Whitney Won All the Cars, but More Importantly, If You Lost Your iPhone, it is Probably Because She Stole it

Once again, it's been too long!  Unfortunately, after my intensive German class ended, a 19 credit semester began.

This week, I won all the cars.  After I won all the cars, I also learned that I was the winner of all the tobacco and all of the oil, but those responses will have to be saved for another day.  My point is, I am probably king now because I have all the things.

EMAILS

from: marchillojm@sbcglobal.net
to:
date: Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 3:57 AM
subject: Your Email-Id Has Won £950,000.00 In Mercedes Benz On-line Promo.Send:- Name....Address...
Tel‏‏signed-bysbcglobal.net

Your Email-Id Has Won £950,000.00 In Mercedes Benz On-line Promo.Send

fromWhitney Bradley <rachelandwhitney@gmail.com>
to: marchillojm@sbcglobal.net
date: Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 9:43 AM
subject: Your Email-Id Has Won £950,000.00 In Mercedes Benz On-line Promo.Send:- Name....Address...
mailed-bygmail.com

I. AM. GONNA. PEE.

from: Mercedes Benz Company <uknagodoh@gmail.com>
reply-to: nat.west-transferdept@hotmail.co.uk
to: rachelandwhitney@gmail.com
date: Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 11:52 AM
subject: Serial Number MBA/8114/09


Congratulations on emerging as one of our award winners. Mercedez Benz Promo offers awards to Lucky owners of selected emails that came out in our Random Draws.For Claims purpose do contact the Natwest Bank Plc immediately with you information and Serial Number MBA/8114/09 on the contact details below:
Email: nat.west-transferdept@hotmail.co.uk

fromWhitney Bradley <rachelandwhitney@gmail.com>
To <nat.west-transferdept@hotmail.co.uk
date Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 7:14 PM
subject I Win All Your Cars
mailed-bygmail.com

Dear Person,

Another person told me to tell you that I won all your cars.  I was not told what to include in this response, so here is a brief biography.  My name is Whitney, and I am homeless, but we don't call ourselves that.  We prefer "permanent wanderer" or "ex-pro golfer."  I access the internet by stealing iPhones from graphic design majors the community college.  I spend most afternoons down by the river making “science.”  I mix together different measurements of rocks and dirt, ingest them, and note the side effects on the wall under my bridge with one of those rocks that somehow makes chalk even though it looks like just a plain rock.  A lot of people laugh at me now because of my science, but no one will be laughing when I finally create a dirt/rock pill that prevents both pregnancy AND STDs. 

Since the car you are giving me will be my home, I would like to invite you to my house-warming party, but it will actually be very cold.  It would be lovely if you would bring the chips and salsa, but please don’t spill on my new, luxurious leather interior or I might get stabby.  Luckily for you, I am so weak from a diet of only my own failed science that if you do get stabbed, you will likely suffer no more than the equivalent of a paper cut.  But like, thick paper.

Please RSVP ASAP!

-Whitney

Attached is my party flyer.







You guys can all come to my party too.

-Whitney

21 comments:

  1. a pill that prevents pregnancy AND std's? don't they have an app for that?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, but the app is not typically covered by insurance.

    Whitney

    ReplyDelete
  3. And did they email back? Maybe they'll throw in a house with the Benz...
    This was hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I haven't heard back yet, but I am hoping! It's usually after my second reply that "they" give up =)

    Whitney

    ReplyDelete
  5. Whitney, you are my hero.
    I want to come to your party, but I don't have any wheels at the moment. Can you drive cross-state and pick me up? Yeah? Ok. Deal. I'll bring a few 2 liters of pop for all of the hassle.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Rocks are actually good for you if you lick them. Eating them is asking for serious bowel problems though.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dude, that sounds like a sweet party. I will gladly bring chips and salsa.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I always Wondered why they Always capitalize Random Words in spam E-Mails. While residents of the UK say Weird things like "Bollocks", I am Fairly Certain they don't Capitalize words in the middle of a sentence!

    Nice response! If I were getting laid right now, I'd put in a pre-order for that pill of yours. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I wonder if some email providers are more prone to this because I never get fun spam. sad.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think that I might love you a little bit and I'm incredibly happy that you commented on my blog and now I've found you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Whit. Glad ur back! OK, first, when you eat some rocks they will turn to chalk, so you should screen and wash your rock/dirt stools. [white, pinkish and yellow are typical chalk shit-rock colors] {sometimes purple}

    Second, be sure they don't give you that off-white leather in your new Merc. Salsa stains that color like crazy.

    Third, park it under a light.

    Fourth, where will you get your mail?

    ReplyDelete
  12. RSVP. I like to party. I can bring zebra cakes too, which as everyone knows is the staple of a good party. Obvs.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mooner- I am in no position to receive mail, but I suppose if I do get a letter, they can just stuff it into the grill of the car. I've heard that when you win a car, they deliver it without wheels, so unfortunately, I will have no say about where or where not my new car is positioned.

    Also, if I don't get black leather, I won't even accept it. That off-white leather is gross and for some reason reminds me of dudes in plaid with big sunglasses who are missing several teeth and wearing cowboy boots. I must have seen this in a movie?

    ReplyDelete
  14. ROFL... I have to send you all the emails that I receive. About the dying babies and lottery tickets! RSVP for the party too! I'll bring a lot of protective supply such as Plastic (coz Plastic > Paper) and some Windex and other cleaning supplies. Also Red glasses for the Pop.. Okay, I'll get Blue ones too :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Best party flyer ever. Super fun blog, too! Yay! -K

    ReplyDelete
  16. Funny stuff. I'll go to the classy car party if I can be in charge of the music. Mercedes ladies, get ready for some old school 80's...

    ReplyDelete
  17. Greetings from Finland. This blog is fun to explore, through other countries, people, culture and nature. Come take a look Teuvo pictures blog. And tell all your friend, why you should visit Teuvo pictures blog. Therefore, to obtain your country's flag rise higher Teuvo blog pictures of the flag collection, Happy Thanksgiving to Teuvo Vehkalahti Finland

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Teuvo...Oh my friend, I am going to have so much fun spamming you.

    Whitney

    ReplyDelete
  19. hahaha I enjoyed it Whitney...
    I got a mail from an old woman stating that she wish to transfer her money in my account as she has no one...and she has chosen me...
    I dont know why on earth...

    I didnt replied her though, just ignored her mail, But now I wish I should have :P
    you are very creative..keep it up

    ReplyDelete