Saturday, December 4, 2010

*UPDATED* Tina Fey Did Not Comment on My Blog and I am Saving All of the Birds

I did have a favorite comment this week!

“Anonymous said...
Whitney I love you”

Anonymous can be anyone, so naturally I’m assuming it is Tina Fey.  I was going to chisel her an award on a sheet of solid gold, but I don’t have a chisel.  So I’m going to write her an awkward very heartfelt letter.

Dear Tina Fey,

Today I had this conversation with my husband:

Me:  Look at me playing with the cat AND stirring macaroni.  I’m multitasking!

Ryan: But are you also pooping? That’s what Tina Fey would do.

Me:  You’re right.

**Several seconds pass**

Me: Umm...don’t come in here.

Tina, THAT is dedication to your advice.  And THIS is a picture you being a little risque and cartoon me not being very risque because I can’t draw that.  I look a little scared, but I think that's healthy.

I saw the other day that you anonymously commented on one of my blog-posts.  There is no need to be anonymous, Tina.  How are we going build an everlasting friendship if we’re both continually sending anonymous mail to each other? I have a picture of your face tattooed on my bicep.  And, people who leave comments on my blog are practically family, so I thought I’d share one of my irrational fears with you.  I am afraid of icicles falling off of buildings and stabbing me in the part of my brain that controls bladder function.  Or like...finger nail growth rate.  Something awful.  For this reason, I have added a hardhat to my Christmas list.


PS  I would also like you to know that I watched you receive the Mark Twain Prize for American humour, and I thought your speech was very racist prolific.  


For those of you who aren’t aware, I have spent the past month painstakingly plagiarizing writing a research paper which led me to write two incredibly valid emails to Aquaman and the United States’ Congress.  Neither responded, but that’s not the point.  The point is that we can now deduce that Aquaman is dead. 

Anyway, my actual assignment was to write an eight-page research paper about something to do with the BP oil spill.  I asked my teacher if I could write about how I think Aquaman died from the oil spill and maybe also I’d throw in something about birds.  She said, “How about just the bird part?”  And then her eyes got kind of glassy, and I can only assume that she was remembering how, earlier this semester, I turned in a paragraph about how I sometimes run outside to yell at birds if they wake me up too early.  Then I’m pretty sure I watched her try to figure out how to get me transferred to another class so late in the semester.

That was a recap.  Now onto the new stuff.  I researched birds, and like, all the birds are dying, you guys.  Some people have even quit their jobs to go down to the Gulf of Mexico to clean the oily birds.  So I decided that I really should do something for nature since it is always there for me when I turn on Animal Planet when I run twenty yards, walk another twenty yards, and then post on as my facebook status “just ran like 5 miles!”.  I wanted to do something for birds in particular since they have been a part of my life for the past couple of weeks.

What could I do though?  All the birds have migrated, so I can’t go feed them or anything.  I sat at the window and stared up at the trees like you would expect in the post break-up scene of a movie that has the word “sleepover” in the title, while I contemplated what I could do for the birds that they would appreciate once they got back in the Spring.  Looking up at the trees made me think about woodpeckers, and that’s when the brilliant idea hit:  woodpeckers make holes in trees.  I have no idea why they do this, but it really doesn’t matter.  Woodpeckers like hole-y trees, and I can make hole-y trees.  I armed myself with a fork and headed outside to make some tree holes.  I figured no one would believe me so I asked my mom to take some pictures.  This is how a couple of those conversations went down:


Me: Mom, I really need you to come outside and take a picture of me stabbing a tree with a fork.

Mom:  Okay, but we have to do it now because I need to leave.


Me: Today I had my mom take a picture of me stabbing a tree with a fork.

Ryan: Good.  Did you know we’ve almost been married for one year and four months?

You guys, people are learning to tune me out and that terrifies me is probably for the best.

But here is the picture of me stabbing a tree for the birds:

Now I have to start writing a new paper.  The paper has to be an argument, so I’m all set to argue about why I should not have to pay for tampons politics?.


PS I’m thinking about writing a eulogy for Aquaman, so if you’d like to contribute a little something, leave a comment with your final words to Aquaman, or shoot me an email at

PPS  I’m starting a “Zombie Apocalypse 4 Dummies,”  but I have a lot of exams this week, so you guys will have to be patient.

PPPS  Some people have asked if Claire's ever responded to my email.  They did not, but they are seriously going to regret it when all of the twelve year-old girls are clamoring about "baton head."

PPPPS  I finally got on the Twitter train. Wbradlaaaay is my name or whatever you call it.  If you say some "@" me, it will probably take at least two months for me to get back to you, because I don't know how to use "@" yet.

**UPDATE**  People have left me comments and sent me email claiming that they are Tine Fey, so I think you all need to comment or send me an email give me a reason WHY you are Tina Fey, and then I'll pick a winner and thou shalt be crowned TINA FEY.


Also, you can be expecting a post very soon about my "stache stash" so stay tuned or else *very intimidating threat* 


  1. Dear Whitney,

    Sorry to disappoint you, but I am not Tina Fey.

    Not Tina Fey

  2. You should try to get Tina Fey to follow you on Twitter. I'm trying to get Weird Al to follow me there. So far I've only received one restraining order from my badgering, so I'm not doing too bad.

  3. don't worry about people tuning you out. it happens to me aaaaaall the time. atleast people won't steal (hear) our great ideas, right?!


  4. Oh My Daisy Dukes i officially love your blog. Hilarious, thanks for commenting on mine or i may never have had the delight of reading about your slightly freakish Tina Fey obsession!

    Much Love
    Your newest follower

    Alice X

  5. Eulogy for Aquaman: "Aquaman fought the good fight. He cared for those fishies when no one else thought twice. But those $%#@ penguins finally got the best of him. RIP, Aquaman, RIP."

  6. I'm a firm believer that Tina Fey really is following you, only she doesn't want to get a restraining order put on her so she wants to keep anonymous and not have you be scared by her other-worldy presence.

    At least, that's what I tell myself when I see her following me around corners and hiding in bushes.

    Does she do that to you too?

  7. @The Tall One
    There is a gorilla carrying a handgun that always following me around. That's probably her, right?

    @Alice X

    Definitely. Someday when people like us rule the world, no one will have ever seen it coming!

    I tried to stalk her on twitter, but I don't think she has an account. It is just a bunch of people pretending to be here I believe.

  8. Hey, if you get in touch with Tina Fey can you tell her to drop me a line? Thanks!!! mUch appreciated.

  9. Dear Whitney,

    I might be Tina Fey. I'm not completely sure. Will get back to you ASAP.

    Possibly Tina Fey

  10. Will the real Tina Fey please stand up, please stand up?

    Okay, I am so sorry for that. It's just really that I wanted to be Tina Fey but other people beat me to it.


  11. I think all of you who are claiming to be Tina Fey should duke it out, and then I'll crown a champion. Starting fighting, people!


  12. Um. I am Tina Fey. I like to google my name sometimes and see what fabulous things come up. And I though it was an insult about my navel. which is crazy, cause I'm Tina Fey. Although its true haters gonna hate, but who could hate the Fey navel, thats not ever a thing.

    While unknown to my incredible funteligence (thats being really funny so your also intelligent) my name was inappropriately put on this blog. Now its legit. I approve.

    And your husband in a genius, thats exactly what I would do. Check and game interwebs winner = Tina Fey

  13. that is the longest blog post i have ever read all of. like very word.

    kudos. i like you.

  14. Hi, it's me Tina! the reason for my anonymity is due to my assistant being the one who is posting comments on my favorite blogs. not that I dont have time to read your blog with all the directing, acting and such I do, just accept my appology for dear Jonathan doing my bidding.

  15. also I spoke with meat cat and he told me he'd give you a ride on his skateboard if you agreed to mention that I'm the real tina fey.

  16. Hahahaha this post was incredibly entertaining. Thanks for the comment on my blog, btw! You are hilarious :)

  17. I'm loving the love for Tina Fey! She is one of my all-time favorite comedians and comedy writers. And thanks for checking out my blog. It is growing and needs lots of love.

  18. You're my kind of crazy.

    My gift to nature is to litter. That way, people who want to walk along ditches and pick shit up have something to do. When they do it, it increases their awareness and commitment to the planet.

    So: Me littering= people thinking about and helping nature= me helping nature.

    Also, white on black text makes me want to stab forks in trees.

  19. this made me laugh out loud, so many times, for so many different reasons. thanks for that!!!

  20. After reading this, I don't think it's surprising at all that those dudes from Earth Snugglers Inc. wanted to contact you. They probably figured between the two of you, you could potentially save the world in lieu of Aquaman's world-saving abilities. You guys are on the same page, and you went and wrote them off. That wasn't very nice.