The Stache Stash That Discourages Friendship

This post is going to be short because I’m going to ROFL Reduce Optimism in Foreign Lands.  That won’t make any sense unless you’ve read this.  But seriously, this is going to be short and possibly unfunny because I’m tired from spending my morning conducting a choir of 45 girls who were probably all judging me for what I was wearing really impressed with my skillzs.

I thought I’d introduce you all to my Stache Stash.  What’s a Stache Stash you ask?  It is what happens when you get married when you’re 20. It’s not a disease.  Hold on, and I’ll explain.

STORY

I had this conversation about 42 times after I got back from my honeymoon:

Friend: Oh my goodness, how was your honeymoon!?  I bet it was like so totally super romantic!!!!! LOL!

Me:  LOL OMGEE IT LIKE SO TOTALLY WAS We bought fake mustaches. 

Friend:  Uh, what?

Whitney:  It’s really nice because when I put one on you can’t even tell who I am.  Plus, it emphasizes the physical similarities between myself and Andy Reid.

Friend: ...

Whitney:  Umm, I’ll be right back.

And then I put on one of my fake mustaches and none of my 42 friends ever recognized me again.  They also never tried to call, so I put them on my special list because I’m sure they’re all very busy.

All of the mustaches are now stuck on the mirrors of my car.  If you are ever in trouble with the law, let me know because I’ll come rescue you and hook you us with an array of disguises.  Here, look at my pretty pictures.

You can put them on the mirror so you can see how awesome you look being in disguise

I do have a story though about how the Stache Stash does not help me make friends because sometimes I forget about the Stache Stash and how it usually requires a small explanation.

STORY 2

Once upon a time, I was giving a girl from school a ride to her apartment.  The sun was shining, so I lowered my mirror to block the sun...thus revealing Stache Stash.  Then the following happened:

*Girl eyes Stache Stash and looks a little scared*
*I think one thing, but says something else completely out of context*

Me: It’s okay.  I’m married.

Girl: Oh, how nice.

Me: No, I mean it’s okay that I have fake mustaches in my car because they half belong to my husband and also they help disguise us and emphasize the physical likeness between myself and Andy Reid.

Girl: You can pull over here.

Me: I’m normal!

Girl: You can pull over here.


Friendship averted earned.

-Whitney

Crouched down in secrecy