Thursday, January 20, 2011

Crest Finally Made a Line of Toothpaste for Big Kids Like Me, but This has Nothing to do with That

You guys are gonna have to hold on tight, because this is a lot of reading. 

I’ve started replying to spam email because friends are hard to come by  I like to  6   ...nope.  No good reason. 

So, this email is from "Michelle Marcel."  And she sent me this really heartfelt letter while she was crying all over her computer which was a big risk for her because rumor has it that “wet” and “electronic” usually don’t go well together.  I haven't really tested this theory, but I once saw Groundhog Day, and also my hair dryer is really close to my sink, so, yeah, any day now I should find out what really happens.  Anyway, she could have died, you guys.  Actually I just googled “wet and electric” and was shocked that this phrase and many variations had been  googled it looks like vacuums can be both wet and electric so probably Michelle wrote this with a vacuum.


Michelle Marcel

WITH TEARS!!!!!!!!
Quite frankly, I know it may have sounded pretty strange for you on why I chose to contact you who are a complete stranger to me and I must tell you this, I contacted you for the simple reason that we do not know each other. It would be very difficult for me to contact anybody here who knows me for this purpose as I may stand the risk and chance of being cheated of my inheritance because the person would have known my weaknesses. I may even lose my life that is why I decided to contact you a complete stranger.
My name is Michelle Marcel the only child of my parent. During the civil and political crisis in our country, my parents were poisoned by heartless people. Fortunately for me, I was in the school when this tragedy took place to my family. I was in coma for almost two weeks. But I thank the almighty God because I never knew that I could support the shock of losing almost my family.  Right now I am still here in country but very unsafe for me.
I'm living in great fear and bondage. I intend leaving this country as soon as possible but only one thing kept me back. My late father has deposited with one of the prime financial institution the sum of money, $3.2Million USD .But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he sudden died.  I have mapped out 25% out of the total money for your help and assistances because it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before. By instinct I am convinced you are an honest person and you have the capacity to handle this transaction with me.  As soon as it is done, I will come over with to meet you and spend the rest of my live in your country. I wish to invest the money into estate business and other good business you may propose. I promise to greatly compensate you for any assistance you may offer me. I do not know how you may feel about this but I want you to take this very serious and confidential.

Best wishes
Michelle Marcel


REPLY

Michelle Marcel,

Absolutely!  What do you need?  My social security number?  DNA?  A picture of my mother in a bathing suit?  Just like blond girls on Spring Break, I believe in living life with no regrets.  I would so totally regret not helping you out, you super fantastic girl you. In fact, the only regret that I DO have is that I never heard back from the girlfriends of those four Nigerian Princes for whom I emptied my bank account on several occasions.  I sure hope they're doing alright.

You have a very cool name.  It's too bad with someone with such a cool, alliteration-y  name is stuck in such a lame and unspecified country!  And wow, your the child of only one parent!?  I'm gonna jump way ahead of and assume that you're like...a fungus...or the offspring of an asexually reproducing alien species.  If living in America has taught me anything, it is that I should know nothing about politics but still try to make political jokes, and also I should shoot aliens.  I won't shoot you though because I believe all creatures are like ponies: beautiful, and they just want you to leave them alone with some apples.  Also, if you are an alien and you are just landing here, you should know that surviving in America will require you to own a pantsuit that is both professional and revealing.

I can't wait to hear back from you!  Since you're a girl, and I'm a girl, and we have now had a back-and-forth email conversation, we must be best friends, so good for us!  When you get to America, we should try to bake cookies like all American girls do for fun, and oh will we ever giggle when we drop eggshell in the batter!  I just can't wait!

-Whitney

PS I have some great business ideas for you once you get here.  Like a meat shop called "Bread."  Or a pet store called “Bread.”

PPS  Me: Knock, Knock.  You: Who's there?  Me: Sarah Palin? <Example of American political humor


I’ll update if I hear back from her!

Also, if you guys want to work for Plastic>Paper...we need to come up with a business plan with bar graphs and pentagon charts and whatever else business is about.  We also need advertisements.  I’m thinking our slogan can be, “Paper Burns.  Plastic Gets Melty.” or “Plastic.  Stuff has Plastic on it.  Shouldn’t you?”  Any other suggestions?  I haven’t really decided what our company is going to actually do so we’ll start with a slogan and go from there.

-Whitney

25 comments:

  1. Lol, sounds like a flawless business plan to me!

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  2. Heck, you and MM could start a band called "Bread"...

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  3. I wish I got as many spam emails as you! Good lord, does this seem like the greatest time-passing activity. Thanks for the non-stop laughs. :)

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  4. lol I sincerely hope you get a reply email! Your feed still isn't working for me =(

    How about Plastic: We value transparency

    Everyone likes a company that can be transparent about their business practices, right? It's a sure win =)

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  6. I've already suggested "paper bags - are you f'in kidding me?" as a slogan. But, as an alternate, I'd like to go with "would you rather get a papercut or be wrapped in smooth, sleek plastic? yeah, imagine how your groceries feel"

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  7. I am LOVING these slogans! Can we have like 20 slogans and cram them all on a business card? Or let's think outside the box...bigger business cards. BAM.

    Whitney

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  8. Ah! You're hilarious! Responding to spam email- genius. I've only gotten as far as freaking out telemarketers- when they call, I inform them that "-A died last week!" and start sobbing. They hang up pretty fast. But emails... that's a whole other playing field...

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  9. Ha. I only have one question: Why are you so amazing?!

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  10. Hey Whitney! Thanks for stopping by my blog! I've read through some of your posts and you're hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

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  11. I have sadly never received such an off-the-wall sob story spam before! All my spam just offers my ovaries viagra. The ovaries don't know what to think =(

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  12. @~A -I encourage you to expand =p

    @Ariel- Those are pretty good spam messages! I get my fair share as well. Viagra adds are confusing many of the world's ovaries.

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  13. Whit. Glad to see you back. First, I've had dinner with one of your Nigerian princesses. She wasn't as tall as I expected. Second, how about this: "Plastic-- blond of the packaging industry." or maybe, "Plastic-- who knew this shit would smell so bad when you burn it?"

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  14. Hahaha, loved it.

    They always follow the same theme hey?

    Been having more than a few laughs reading through your blog. Consider me a follower!

    Thanks for the comment on mine :)

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  15. In my part of the world we would call you "a kindhearted woman who would give her last banana to a baboon". How about "Plastic sticks to the butt if you sit on it."?

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  16. Oh the sob story emails from another country, same story different wording - it's seriously ridiculous. The worst part is that people fall for them and so it keeps them coming. Love the e-mail back - should be interesting to get a response. Thanks for stopping by my blog, I have read multiple posts of yours - too funny, thanks for the laughs!

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  17. Whit. Let me start by saying, "I am sorry."

    Next, let me tell you that I am passing an email chain letter questionaire on to you. I'm an asshole for doing it, what with all of your German cramming and shit. I chose you because I think your answers will be really funny and insightful. Thanks.

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  18. Mooner- PLEASE do. I may hate you for it, but I also have nothing to post about right now, so it might give me something awesome to do. So I'll tell you that I hate you, but I'll actually love you.

    I'm also thinking of starting something where people email me questions about anything and I give really inappropriate responses.

    rachelandwhitney@gmail.com ;)

    Whitney

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  19. "it looks like vacuums can be both wet and electric so probably Michelle wrote this with a vacuum."
    made me "lol" literally.
    good stuff

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  20. ROFL... For some reason even when I'm following you and have you on my blog roll, It does not show me your updates! I have got so much catching up to do!

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  21. Apfel- I think you have to subscribe to the feed at the bottom..."Atom" to get an email when I update. It's all really confusing for me too =p

    Whitney

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