I’m sorry it’s been so long, and I
You know when you fall asleep in a cardboard box and then you wake up and your husband’s all like, “Did you just fall asleep in that cardboard box?” And you’re all like, “Yeah, I just did that. We need reenactment pictures.” And then you take reenactment pictures, only you move the box slightly to the right so that people won’t see that you were sleeping kinda close to the trashcan? Well I can relate because that happened to me this past weekend.
I have a new favorite thing. That favorite thing is when people who have never read my blog send me emails that are all like, “By reading your blog, I can tell that you’re a great cook.” And I’m like, “Seriously? I think the only time I ever mentioned food was when I said I was going to ignore my imaginary children to drink grown-up lemonade." That’s not even cooking. Only someone who didn’t know how to cook would even suggest that mixing drinks could possibly be considered “cooking.” Anyways, I went searching through my email trying to find this one particular message that said something like, “Thank you for using your blog to make the world greener,” but I can’t find it, so I’m going to paraphrase it. By “paraphrase,” I mean that I’m going to completely make up the email, and you’re just going to have to believe that I’m not lying to you.
Dear Whitney Bradley,
I have read your blog, and I noticed how you are taking action to make the world greener and cleaner! Good for you! I want you to know that I also care about the environment, for I am typing this from a “green” computer. This means that I am sitting in a dead tree that I hollowed out, wearing a tank-top made of soy that I purchased after working for 3 weeks at my local vegetarian restaurant, “Hide That Bacon,” and my computer is powered by an extension cord that is twelve miles long and plugged in at a “green” coffee shop that has pictures of all the Kenyans, who have been paid more than 15 cents an hour, plastered all over the walls so that they don’t look as incriminating as Starbucks. Wasn’t that a long sentence? By making such a long sentence, I just saved some “.”s. See how green I am? Anyways, you should give my company some money. Soy clothes don’t buy my themselves.
Won’t you snuggle our world with us?
Earth Snugglers Inc.
The Email Back
Dear Earth Snugglers’ Inc.,
Nope. I’m not snuggling your anything. You haven't read my blog. Although begin your email convincingly with, “I have read your blog, and I noticed how you...” rarely has anyone ever finished that sentence with anything but, “must not have graduated college.” Did you even visit my blog? I don’t mean “did you skim it it for blatantly obvious grammatical errors.” Did you read that post that had pictures of me stabbing live trees with forks for the woodpeckers? Woodpeckers are natures small and inefficient lumberjacks, Earth Snugglers’ Inc. If ever there was an animal that should NOT be saved, it would be woodpeckers. OR...do you remember that time when I had nothing to do so I went outside with a pair of tweezers and started plucking individual blades of grass from my lawn? That’s because it hasn’t happened yet, but now I have plans for tomorrow. I’m going to go back to my room and sit in my pile of yet-to-be-recycled pile of Dr. Pepper cans. Maybe tonight I’ll try to hide them in the gas tank of my diesel engine trunk. That is, if I can take a break from standing outside and spraying my aerosol hairspray directly into the wind.
Love you Bunches,
Whitney, of Plastic > Paper Inc.
I really like replying to emails with nonsensical emails because sometimes I get replies from really annoyed people. I’m thinking about starting a business where you pay me $5, and I send emails to people you want to annoy, anger, or dump. This business would probably only work for about a week before I would be assassinated and my obituary would be all like, “Everyone outlived Whitney. Who’s Whitney?” And I’d be all embarrassed from Heaven.