Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I don’t feel like writing, so here’s my Christmas card. Nevermind, I actually wrote a lot.

Whitney and Ryan conversation:

Me:  I need to write a blogpost, but I don’t wanna.  I don’t feel funny.

Ryan:  You just told me that you are pregnant with salmonella.

Me: THAT’S NOT FUNNY.  THAT IS SERIOUS.

I am not going to give you any back-story.

Christmas Cards

Now that I’m married, I have to fake being an adult and do things like go to work send out Christmas cards.  Whoever whomever? started this tradition which forces me to stress about, and then send pictures of myself to people who don’t remember me, was an idiot.  I’m googling this idiot.

John Calcott Horsley 1817-1903. 

He doesn't really look like he invented the Christmas card, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

“I invented Christmas cards and child abuse because THOSE STUPID KIDS WON’T STAND STILL AND I JUST WANT THIS PICTURE TO CAPTURE HOW BEAUTIFUL OUR FAMILY IS.  PLEASE JUST THIS ONCE.  FOR MOMMY.  MOMMY IS GOING TO CRY AND USE PHOTOSHOP.”
 Thankfully, I am not a mommy, and I have no idea how to use photoshop.  I’m not sending out Christmas cards because I like to push the hilarious boundaries that a flamboyant British man established in the 1800s.  BUT, I will show you my Christmas card and EVEN write an annoying Christmas letter filled with stuff that I think is cool about my life, but that significantly lowers your respect for me because you thought that I spent my time rescuing orphans, but really I just spent a year playing Super Mario and eating.


Dear estranged family members and people whom I don’t know but came to my wedding,

Well, it’s that time of year again!  That time of year when implied social law demands that I send you a card which inclides with pictures of a baby in a lobster pot adorable pictures, a witty one-liner, and an out-of-context Bible verse.  I couldn’t fit my Bible verse on my card, but here is one of my holiday favorites:

“I wish those who unsettle you would emasculate themselves!”
Galatians 5:12

May you all carefully reflect on Paul’s words during this holiday season.

I would like to thank those of you who sent us Christmas cards and letters!  It was so nice to see that those kids you have that I forgot about have grown up so well!  Really starting to look like mommy and daddy aren’t they?  How wonderful.  Make sure you give my phone number to the one who looks like George Clooney once he turns eighteen.  Haha, I’m just making awkward jokes because I can.  Many of you asked us if we have yet to be blessed with a child.  And then when we so "no," you recommend that "we get going." What a well-though-out completely inappropriate comment!  No, Ryan and I do not have kids, because I met one once.  Also, I will have no idea what to do with it.  If it’s a girl, I’ll have to tell her she's not fat, and also invent ways to raise her self-esteem.  And outlaw Barbies.  Unless it's like...Oily Complex Barbie.  If it’s a boy, that means that the toilet seat will be left up twice as much, and consequently, I will fall in the toilet twice as much.  I’ll still include a picture of a baby though.  A baby in a lobster pot.


As far as what I’ve done with my life this year, I once acted out an episode of Jersey Shore.  Ryan has been much more prolific, but he also acted out an episode of Jersey Shore.  We have a cat.  I threaten to drop-kick it a lot.  I do drop-kick it a lot.

Love,

Whitney, Ryan, and Rimsky 


PS  Enclosed is the address “of the apartment I am moving to, so please send next year’s Christmas card here.”

New Address

Nope.  I’m not creative enough to think of a fake address.


PS that has unrelated to the Christmas letter.  We have a fan page up on facebook now because I want to meet Tina Fey.  Don’t try to make the connection.

-Whitney

32 comments:

  1. as Jesus said, "whatever you do, do it quickly"

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  2. I really love this post! We have similar thoughts about the children. Hah

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  3. Dear Whitney,

    Thank you for the Christmas card despite the fact that Christmas is still nearly a year away. The kids are doing well, with little Johnny winning the inmate of the month award and little Suzy pregnant with her third child at age 16. As St. Dick once said, "I'll only give you $5,000 for the car and not a dime more" In conclusion, I believe this English paper deserves an A, and if you're still not convinced then I will slip in a Jackson, three Lincolns, and two Washingtons.

    Love,
    Not Tina Fey

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  4. I thank you for a new second-favorite BIble verse. The first prize is still held by Proverbs 21:19. In the words of King James (or Shakespeare, as it were): "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman."

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  5. @Anonymous- Oh no. I once heard that verse talked about in a sermon. Ecclesiastes, no?

    @Rob- What kind of Christmas letter would it be if it wasn't a month late??? I think that's part of the package.

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  6. I think John Horsely or whatever his name is, is going to be real sad in the coming generation, because I predict Christmas cards will be dead in about 39.3 years.

    I'm at least hoping.

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  7. best mockery of a stupid book/movie series..uhhh I mean Christmas card....ever

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  8. @Chunky Knubby Navel: yeah, most likely Ecclesiastes. i'm pretty sure Jesus wrote Ecclesiastes

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  9. @Anonymous- Haha, I'm pretty sure it was King Solomon wrote it =)

    Whitney

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  10. Wow, this was so deliciously random! ♥

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  11. My girlfriend and I have made sweet ass Christmas cards like three years in a row, and never sent one out. It's ridiculous.

    That being said, I respect your love for Mario, cats, and out of context bible verses.

    Well played, madame.

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  12. Whitney, I seriously love you. So freaking clever.

    Love,
    Either Tina Fey or a completley obsessed fan.
    <3

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  13. @Anonymous- Can you be both? That would make my day. Maybe half and half? Or some other fraction.

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  14. So I am bar-tending and I just began laughing out loud and the drunk idiots playing darts though that was an invitation for conversation. You basically just made my day with you comment andddd this post. I can't wait to follow (ahem STALK) you! Official girl crush= Whitney

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  15. Hi Whitney, thank you for the Chirstmas card even though I'm not an estranged family member nor did I attend your wedding, it was v. funny to read! I don't know what I'll do with a kid when I have one but I think a lobster costume and giant pot is def. going on my what-to-do-to-my-one-year-old on Halloween list.xx

    Marie-Kate

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  16. A great post, but you REALLY didn't have your head far enough up your butt to convey a realistic fake Christmas card. Granted, that probably speaks well to your character.... Keep up the great work!

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  17. I just can't stop thinking about that baby in a lobster pot. It's so wrong but.. he's SO CUTE. But he's in a pot... Obviously there is a lot of conflict in my head right now.

    Lor

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  18. So. Whitney-- seriously funny stuff. Original, heart-felt and really fucked up. It's a good thing you are already married or I'd be in trouble.

    As for the entire Christmas letter dealie, my Gram summed it up for me when she said, "Oh who gives a shit, Mooner. Iffn ya got ta write a fuckin letter-- who gives a shit."

    Keep going.

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  19. @Liddy- I prefer my head only kinda up my butt.

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  20. Your title cracked me up. I ended up doing custom Christmas cards this year, to save money. Turns out it's the perfect ploy into getting gifts from everyone that you send it to. :-) Now I know.

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  21. Okay, this is genius! I haven't sent out Christmas cards in years, which is probably why I don't get any - I'm off everyone's Christmas card lists!

    My mum still makes me write something for the family Christmas letter though, which I hate doing. Surely people don't really give a shit what a 27 year old is doing?!

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  22. LOL! Ya I agree on the whole annoying Christmas cards situation...it does really scream ADULTHOOD....I've tried a few xmas's in a row to send them but I always manage to send them too late so they get there after xmas, so there's no point really. But you have to admit, some of the cards out there are cute.

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  23. Haha this post is hilarious, really enjoyed reading it and that picture is just too much!
    Kiss
    Lula

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  24. Oh I love the audacity of people asking when you plan on popping out babies. "Hey, you just got married? Congrats! When are you going to work on incubating a fetus, and then once the size of a watermelon, squeeze it out of your vagina?"

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  25. hilarious! i wish i received christmas cards like this.

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  26. We were fortunate enough to not have to send Christmas cards. Mostly because we were still writing wedding thank you cards. I hate thank you cards more than Christmas cards. There's just something unsettling about a grandma-like figure demanding a thank you card for a gift she supposedly sent from the bottom of her heart.

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  27. adorable baby-lobster in the pot :)

    i love thank you cards (but i've never had to write wedding cards...)

    http://styleitgreen.blogspot.com

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  28. The Grammar PoliceJanuary 7, 2011 at 7:41 PM

    "Dear estranged family members and people who I don’t know but came to my wedding..."

    should be whom.

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  29. Oh grammar police, whom would I be without you? ;)

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  30. Bahahahaha! Hi I'm Jami and I think I love you... :p

    I read this and made my husband read it. Being completely lame and not knowing anything about blogs he spent the better part of the evening bugged that I posted it for his mother to see. Needless to say you brought me joy more than once and that's totally something I would say/post!

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  31. Everyone's mother should see this post ;) Everyone's mother and apparently grammar nerds who(m) feel it's necessary to correct my grammar. So this is a sentence I am going to end a preposition with.

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  32. Hahaha, you are hillarious. Love the post. I will be stalking you from here on out....FYI. (hmmm that sounds a bit creepy.) I will be stalking you in the most normal and non-creepy way as possible.

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