Tuesday, January 25, 2011

My Metaphorical Soap Keeps Requiring me to Pick it Up

There is a very good chance that this post will not be funny at all.   I just took my German final, and just when you start to believe that nothing is more unfunny than German...you have to take a test about German.  And then, when you think nothing can be unfunnier than a German test, you finish your test and try to go hand it in, but your butt gets stuck between two desks and you have to gracefully remove yourself do a little flailing dance to get unstuck and then you accidentally blurt out, "Oh my, pay no attention to me, classroom of people, and keep working diligently on your exam" “That was sexy,” but it wasn’t. sexy.  Basically German is embarrassing and not sexy. 

If you’ve never been here before, maybe you should start here. Or something.  Anywhere but here.

It’s been one of those weeks when you think things are under control, but then bad stuff happens.  Umm, I’m trying to think of a metaphor.  Uhh...this week has been like when the bar of soap falls off of its little ledge in the shower and it lands on your foot but you don’t pick it up so that you can teach it a lesson, but next time you get in the shower you HAVE to pick up the soap and the soap wins.  Soap is smarter than me and German isn’t sexy.

Wait, nevermind.  I just got smarter than soap.

I think I just made an invention in my mind.  Now I have to go draw it!  It’s like shower shoes, only much more...bigger.  It’s basically a tissue box that you stick your foot in.  And since Plastic>Paper Inc. is so successful right now, these shoes are going to have a soft, spongy center, and a thick plastic outer shell because, seriously, is paper going to help you survive the trauma of light foot bruising?  I think not.

Here, I started sketching a commercial, but I can’t think of a name for this invention, so if you think of something, you should let me know.  “Shower Shoes” is both taken and lame, so, yeah.  I’m out of ideas and you guys are really creative.

 


Then also when your friend comes over and says, “Hey, why do you have two plastic bricks in your bathroom?” you can be like, “Because they are my shower shoes and those shoes protect me BETTER THAN ANY MAN EVER COULD!”  Then your friend will not care about your shower shoes, but he or she will know that you are very bitter about being single.


Before I got so distracted, I was ACTUALLY going to write about how Rachel and I were nominated for “Best Original Artwork” on 20sb and how that must make you all idiots because everyone knows that “Best Original Artwork” belongs to a kid who got an associate’s degree in photography and took a picture of a bee that is really close to a flower.  Not ON the flower, but really close.  Seriously. I’m going to google “Bee Close to Flower.” 

Was that not EXACTLY what you were imagining?
But in all seriousness, thank you for the nomination but also go to an art museum.

-Whitney

PS Michelle Marcell emailed me back, not once, but twice.  With like...pictures of "her ID."  I'll post her email and my reply once I work up the energy.  


25 comments:

  1. You don't have to be sexy, you're married. That's free reign to let yourself go to crap.

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  2. hey! ur blog is craaazy! i love it!! i love the "writing with the brush" - style, have used it in some postings as well (chaos in copenhagen and here: http://respacedgirl.blogspot.com/2011/01/day-in-france.html ) - hope u like!
    thanx for the warm welcome on 20sb!!oh and GERMAN can be sexy (if you are able to hide ur German-ness...and emphasize on German cars...THEY are pretty sexy!
    Respacedgirl.blogspot.com

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  3. Toesavers. Or soap slayers.

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  4. I'm loving all of these suggestions...keep 'um coming!

    @Franzi- I'm just messing around =) I am actually loving learning German! It's like I have school spirit for Germany.

    -Whitney

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  5. Phalanges Preservers.

    German only becomes enjoyable when accompanied with yummy German beer(s) and a hearty Bavarian pretzel....and a good sized loogie stuck in your throat.

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  6. Hi Whitney, thanks for checking out my blog as well as commenting on it. I decided to come take a look at yours since you were so kind enough to check out mine. You have a great blog yourself, I am more used to reading mommy blogs but I did enjoy checking out yours. So you are into art, that's cool, I have a sister who loves art (art teacher, so there ya go), I think art is pretty cool too though. Thanks again for checking out my blog! :-)

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  7. This is why people are switching to shower gel. If it falls, you just wash it down the plughole.

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  8. DON'T BE HATING ON THOSE WITH AN ASSOCIATES DEGREE IN PHOTOGRAPHY. and for the record i have never photographed a bee nearing a flower.

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  9. I'm not hatin! I'm complimentin' because ya'll make real art and I draw tissue boxes! Forgive me?

    Whitney

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  10. It would've been hilarious if you reassured everyone in German while doing your flail dance. I would've failed my exam. They'd escort me from the room for laughing to much.

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  11. Like in German language? I'm not that good yet. I can only tell you about how my mother is taller than your mother. And how your sister is optimistic.

    -Whitney

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  12. Whitster. How about, "This is why liquid soap costs $9.95 for enough to replace a single bath-sized bar." Or how about, "Soap-- the other left foot."

    How about you put a cup holder on the soap catcher booties to hold my Carta Blanca beers? We can do sponsorships and shit and get some R&D money.

    Better yet, how about I hold the soap for you. I'll use soap-on-a-rope. Can I wash you down there? Please.

    My guts hurt everytime I come visit you.

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  13. That liquid soap thing is brilliant!

    I will definitely add some cup holders, suction cups so that you don't slip and kill yourself, and very possibly a tiny waterproof xbox.

    Mooner, I feel that together we could create some of the most pointless and most impressive inventions that the world has yet to see...and might not ever see.

    -Whitney

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  14. I SO NEED THOSE TISSUE BOX SHOES! I have a HUGE bruise on one of my feet and NO idea how I got it. Also, I sincerely hope you didn't add "-oobs" to the end of every word on your exam. Although that may have been sexier than just regular German.

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  15. I only wrote it on one question, but then I erased it so that it was only "vaguely" there...you know, in hopes my professor would see it, and his face would get all squinty and he'd think, "No...that can't be what that said," but he'd still be wondering for like a week.

    -Whitney

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  16. So it's not just my soap that hates my feet? I thought I was alone!

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  17. You're not alone. So many people feel alone because of soap-foot injuries, but there are so many of us out there. Stay strong, friend.

    -Whitney

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  18. this post is actually quite funny. i even LOL'd. and apparently used the phrase LOL'd seriously.

    i dig the blog!

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  19. Whit. Ask me to show my soon-to-be-released product, the "One-cup Wonder Flush". I've got a jingle, and everything.

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  20. Hey Whitney!

    Am loving your writing style! Very irreverent - had me in stitches lol (and eyeing my soap suspiciously lol:-P).

    Great work, i'm glad to have found you!

    Kristin.

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  21. The worst part of it all is that the soap hurts you but then you have to pick it up. If your invention came with like a mechanical hand that picks up the soap for you... Nevermind. Too much.

    Lorraine

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  22. WRONG! Not too much! How about we just scratch everything and just make a robot suit?

    -Whitney

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  23. WHITNEY!
    Your last comment on my blog confuses me. I've posted like 5 things since the guest post!!! I hope you can see them!

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  24. Hahaha... I loved the post and also the liquid soap comment!

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