Sunday, February 20, 2011

I'M YELLING AT YOU. Now I'm not.

TWO Whitney and Ryan conversations!

Conversation One

Whitney:  You’re just jealous because Conan O’Brien is my emergency contact and you’re not!

Ryan: What???

Whitney:  He helps me get out of trees.

Conversation Two

Whitney: ...and then I force them, using threats of violence, to...to...
I forgot what I was talking about."

Ryan: Blanket ice skating*.

*Blanket ice skating is when you throw a blanket on the wood floor, and then you slide around on it.  Whitney happens to be a blanket skating prodigy, but everyone no one recognizes her skills.  They also don't recognize Blanket Ice Skating as something at which one can be a prodigy.  Mothers appreciate blanket ice skating and will say, “I guess my annual mopping has been done for me.”  Blanket ice skating makes you a hero.

ACTUAL STORY
This week...a deer pooped at me.  I know you’re thinking, “I'm hungry Whitney, that’s not a thing,“ but it is a thing.  You rush to the window, hoping to have one of those moments when you gently lean your head against the window, stare out into the world thinking about candy art, lift your head off of the window, wipe off that little mark that your face left from your face grease, and walk away feeling content, but also knowing you need to wash your face...but NO.

I’ve actually illustrated it for you.  You're welcome.  I've also named each picture something very artsy stupid.

Confrontation
Confusion
Fear and Contemplation
Confusion on the Other Side
"I'm Gonna Poop"
The Visual

And so ends a very short post about the one topic I swore to myself that I would never write about: poop.

PS  TINA FEY I AM ON TO YOU!  You stole both my discotheque joke AND the one about how anyone who says "this thing we call life" should be beaten.  I know you're reading this blog.  You owe me some money friendship!!!!!

-Whitney

33 comments:

  1. Whitney Bradley, I love you! Is that too forward? Too bad.

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  2. I saw this sign in a park in Japan. It appears that in Japan, deer pooping at people (and yelling at them in Japanese) is a frequent problem

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dznOE2WM1RM/SeqhLn1nlNI/AAAAAAAAAKA/Xxw9rX5JT5U/s1600-h/P4060083.JPG

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  3. @Stacey- I appreciate your forwardness, but even if I didn't, there is apparently nothing I can do about it. And I like that.

    @Well this is awkward- SO FUNNY. I had no idea that the deer were like...conspiring against us.

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  4. I am really glad you wrote about poop. I also really want to hear about the time Conan O'Brien helped you get out of a tree. this should be illustrated.

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  5. That picture from Well this is award is too good! I love reading about poop. I go through something similar, on a daily basis, only that it is usually a Cow!

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  6. I feel like I just watched a season finale cliffhanger of my favorite TV show.

    WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WITH THE DEER?!

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  7. I also would like to know what happened next with the deer...

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  8. I guess I'll have to add a part two...because the pooping deer went and got all of his deer friends and they starting lining the perimeter of my house...waiting to attack. It's some crazy stuff.

    Whitney

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  9. Dude....shotgun and a smoker and make yourself some venison jerky....mmmmm....so delicious!

    And using CoCo as an emergency contact is totally practical. Besides, he's a way better friend than Tina...who seems to be stealing your stuff....what a B.

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  10. Just when you think deer can only be majestic/noble. Turns out they appreciate poop jokes, too.

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  11. Hello, I'm blogger from Indonesia.
    About my blogsite Smart ways to live well with info and tips from experts on weight loss, fitness, health, nutrition, recipes, anti-aging & diets. http://healthylifeandfitness.com

    Thank you

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  12. Hi Whitney! Thanks for stopping by Jenna Sais Quois. I am looking forward to reading more of your blog. And good luck finishing Weeds!

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  13. @Healthylife is easy- I am actually an advocate for eating poorly and getting really old.

    Sorry.

    Whitney

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  14. My favorite is clearly "Confusion on the other side." Deep.

    Especially if you consider the pooing a metaphor. I'm not sure for what, yet. Maybe life. Things are always a mataphor for life.

    Lor

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  15. @Lor- you are most likely right. Just like deer sometimes poop at us, life will sometimes poop at us causing to cock our head to both sides and then be utterly terrified. Awesome.

    Whitney

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  16. The deer imagery was great. I will never forget the time that I had to stop my car so fast when a deer jumped out in front of me on the highway that the deer ended up doing the splits and when he got up he hit my car then ran off.

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  17. I love blanket ice skating! I believe I won an award or two during my "good years!"

    I love your illustrations. In such a situation I assume there would be confusion on all sides.

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  18. O wow! I would never want to write about getting pooped on by a deer either! I think you handled the situation better than I because I would've wanted to kill that deer!

    Anyway just stopping by!

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  19. Hahaha. omg, that was an awesome post. I like how you write!

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  20. @Kristen- We should compete sometime. I'll wax my best blanket.

    @Joe- Thanks for stopping by! I hope you come back and contribute to more of our nonsensical adventures or whatever.

    Whitney

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  21. Whit. I wish you would finish school so you can post fulltime. Boy deer poop stinks. How do you ice skate on the carpet? I tried and the blanket just rolls up into wads and I trip.

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  22. @Mooner- It has to be a wood floor, or yes, it will wad.

    Every other day I debate quitting school to blog.

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  23. can i have a framed + signed copy of fear and confusion deer? haha too good. ps wtf tina fey? demand some royalties from the jokes! haha
    <3 niree
    ps. love the blog! &thanks for stopping by mine!

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  24. Whit. Meant to say, "Male deer (buck) poop stinks. Clarity is my middle name.

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  25. Poop is always a good topic of conversation.

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  26. Awww this post is so cute and I specially love how you demonstrated! Thanks for dropping by my site and for your lovely comment! I bet you, you can pull off an outfit better than me. Not everyone can pull off the same outfits cos we all have our specialty ;) you just gotta find yours =) cheers!

    misscarlaviolet.blogspot.com

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  27. This is hilarious! I stopped by after you commented on my blog.

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  28. Haha! Oh deer! I have to give props though, that it had to contemplate first before doing its thing at you.
    This is funny stuff!

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  29. Those pictures... oh... my... can't stop laughing!!

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  30. ...seriously, still laughing! How long did those take you??

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  31. @unladylikebehavior- AWESOME. I'm glad they made you laugh. They took probably 4 or 5 hours. That sounds like a lot, but drawing on a computer is really hard!

    Whitney

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