Tuesday, March 1, 2011

"Dostoevsky's Points are as Solid as Taylor Lautner's Abs" and Other Similies That Will Disappoint Your English Teacher

This weeks was like being slapped in the face with my own hand, which wasn't actually too bad because I moisturize.  Then the week got better.  And then my futon turned on me, so it was bad again.

Me: Hello my dear, beautiful futon to whom I am so grateful.  Let me reclineth against your “really dirty because the cat sheds and I accidentally give away my dust-buster charger to GoodWill but that’s okay because someone is probably wearing it as a makeshift belt right now” cushions, that I might starteth my German homework.

Futon: Nope. I gonna fold you.

And it did.
I would have asked Ryan to take a picture, but as the futon folded me in half, I forgot that it was just a futon, and for about 4 seconds, I thought that a fire-monster was trying to drag me to Hell.  So Ryan did not have time to take a picture because of my instantaneous reaction to flail wildly, and also my new-found fear of futons means reenactment pictures are an impossibility.

(That’s not really going to be a thing, but "Whitney's Science Corner" sounds like a place where kids would go to make fruit snacks out of Kool-Aid, and that's adorable.)

Today I am giving you an anatomy lesson, because anatomy is sexist, so I changed it.

This is Adam and Eve:

Why is it Lego Adam and Eve?  It may be because all of the other pictures of Adam and Eve were super naked, and Lego naked does not strip away innocence as much as regular naked tends to do.  OR, it may be that I believe that God intended everything to be very plastic and pointy, and after the fall of mankind, God let some guy create Legos so that man would see a glimpse of perfection: plastic stuff.  Once again I have proved that Plastic > Paper.

Just in case you ARE offended by naked Legos, I added the black bar because I care.

Adam and Eve each have their respective "neck bulges," which is referred to as the "Adam's Apple."  But Eve has her own neck fruit, so I named it.  Someone needs to keep track of how much I contribute to science, because it is a lot.

And now you are much more educated than before you read this blog. Actually, you're pre-educated because the "Eve's Peach" is ahead of its time and hasn't been accepted by the many science professors to whom I pleaded my case and called chauvinists.  Then they were all, "Whitney, I'm a girl scientist and I teach computer science which really has nothing to do with naming body parts."  And then I walked away because my attempt to use big words and my inability to distinguish between the various branches of science defeated me once again. 


If you didn’t read last week’s post, go do that.

I had a couple people send me emails, and a couple people left comments like, “WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!? I CAN’T STAND NOT KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT DEER POOPED AT YOU!”  And I’m like, “Woah, read a book.”

But I will let you know what happened because I love all you weirdos so very much.

Nothing happened.

Well, I guess that's only kinda true.  I came downstairs the other day and saw about 25 deer lining the perimeter of the house, and the next day, a deer sacrificed its body to damage my sister's boyfriend's car and when I found out, I whispered under my breath, "It's begun," and everyone was like, "what?" but I was too busy running upstairs to find my old fencing swords and a Nerf Gun.  It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized that old fencing swords were not going to be enough protection because they have those little plastic balls on the tip, so if I stabbed the deer, he would be all like, "That was a lovely parry and thrust," and I'd be like, "Thank you, deer," and then I would die.

I'm kinda planning on waking up to this:

And I'll be all, "You can't call me that!  Only my best friends call me that.  And hold on a second while I grab my fencing sword that I totally destroyed because I tried to get the plastic ball off the top in anticipation for your attack.  I also have this Nerf Gun, but the darts got bent when I stuck the suction cups to the door and tried to climb up them like Spider-Man, so they don't usually actually leave the gun, even when I push this little button.  See?  Also, I was going to eat this Pop Tart, but if giving it to you will postpone my death, you may have it."



  1. Okay, the title of this blog post just totally won me over.

    New follower...stopping by from 20SB. :)



  2. My favorite part of this whole post was the little dude chilling out under your followers box. =D

  3. Can you, like, stop being in school so you can post more often? Because I could really stand to laugh out loud more often.

  4. Your science corner needs a theme song. I suggest this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlNw5ZuDYsk

  5. @Rob- PERFECT. Maybe "Whitney's Science Corner" will have to be something that comes around more often. Like, always.

    @Well this is awkward- Thank you for making me smile! Someday soon, I will have a degree, and naturally I will also be unemployed, so I will write ALL THE TIME.

    @beanditch- ME TOOOOOO! =D

  6. LEGO Adam and Eve kinda made me jealous that I'm not made of LEGOs too. I like their garden and I kind of want to live there. More Whitney's Science Corner!!

  7. If you had a science show on TV I would totally watch it! haha, I like Eve's Peach :)

  8. See, the last time I sat on my futon, it didn't eat me. I broke it. I heard a snap beneath me and lifted it to find a broken board. So while you walked away in one piece, my self confidence was shattered. But I'm glad the fire monster didn't drag you to Hell. That would've topped my experience easily.

  9. OMG I love the Legos so so much... I want to go to Whitney's Science Corner and make fruit snacks out of Kool-Aid!!! Eve's peach is so classy, even though Adam's "Apfel" is my name :P


    Plastic > Paper \m/

  10. Whit. Bravo, and yet again. I have an unruly futon as well. It never bites a woman, but will bite and pinch any man who sits on it.

    That's the seating arrangement I use for guests and salesmen. Bit this one guy on his balls and he offered to buy it from me.

    Deer are evil.

  11. Oh my,
    this is one of the most ridiculous posts yet.

    Oh, and Deer are also stalking me. They're not pooping at me yet, but they ARE rooting down immediately outside of my window. And once I confront them, they just give me the stare of death as I make a fool out of myself by making wild motions towards the window and flipping the outside lights on and off repeatedly. No running, just staring, as if saying:
    "You, soon."

    They really are going to kill us all!

  12. Hey! I've nominated you guys for an award. The 7 Facts award. You can come claim it here: http://unmotivatedme.blogspot.com/


  13. Hi Whitney! Somehow I missed the fact that you posted on my blog a while ago. Good thing I found it, because your posts are enjoyable! Gotta go catch up on your past stuff.

  14. At least you will be on polite terms with the deer that ultimately kills you. It would be awful nice of him to notice and comment on your form.


  15. @Whitney- Thank you!

    @Mooner- You're brilliant. Yes...I will have to harness the evil powers of my futon for my own, selfish gain!


  16. They are interested in Dostojewski?! Wonderfully. I would like to point out a hopefully interesting Dostojewski page to you:
    One can translate the side also fast into the English language.

  17. haha! this is such an awesum post.. wasnt expectin sumn this awesome! lool @ covering up lego adam and eve's privates with the black bars.. hw sweet of u :p

  18. I laughed so hard again. You're probably my favorite. But I really wonder when you'll blog about bears...

  19. You made me laugh out loud and spit my rice out. I love the animation that goes along with the stories. I can't believe a deer pooped AT you. I'll start getting concerned, though, when cougars (and not middle aged women) get added into the mix.