Monday, February 7, 2011

**UPDATED** Welcome to Preschool. Everything is a Test.

First of all...

The top searches that led to this blog.

If this is an actual thing, someone needs to email me a picture.
**UPDATE**  I did indeed get a picture sent to me, and I don't know whether I'm ecstatic or terrified that there is actually a tampon taser.  "The Pink Stinger."  You should probably go look at it RIGHT NOW.

I shouldn’t be writing right now because I need to start my paper on diversity which might get handed back to me because the title, “A Badly Made Churro is Hardly a Churro at All”  may have racist implications, but in all honesty I was just eating a churro.  But, I love all of you very twisted people, so here’s a post.


I was talking with my dear friend Candace a few months ago, and she told me that “when she grows up” she wants to be a preschool teacher.  Then we started talking about how, to teach grades K-12, teachers have to take a test covering the basic knowledge needed to teach these grades.  PROBLEM.  There is no test for preschool teachers, and honestly I don’t trust most people to have any knowledge of anything.  I just read a Facebook status from a 21 year-old who said that she couldn’t wait until she graduated “collage” after this semester.  Then I kicked the kid sitting next to me in the computer lab because I don’t have an appropriate outlet for my anger.

You sure did, you diverse group of people.  You sure did.
So I made up a test to make sure that our preschool teachers are qualified.  And I’m going to send it to the governor.  Only I don’t know who my governor is, so I’ll probably send it to my mom and she’ll throw it away know exactly what to do!

Are YOU ready to be a preschool teacher!?  Well...we’ll see.

Welcome to the preschool teacher entrance exam!  Please read over the following rules before the test begins at 10.30am, or whenever we get you all to quiet down.

1. As you may have noticed, there was a paper bag sitting in your chair when you walked in today.  This bag is filled with goodies to help you perform well on the test!  Inside, you will find a juice box, some crackers, and a napkin with a note from each of your mothers that says that you will all be loved no matter how well you do on this test.  Your mothers are liars.

2. Please refrain from blowing bubbles in your juice box during the test.  It is okay if you forget once, but if you forget a second time, the test Procter will rip up your exam in front of your face and you will be asked to leave the room.

3. The test should take no more than 15 minutes, because you goof-balls just can’t sit still!

4. If at any point during the exam you feel as if you need nap time, raise your hand, and your sleeping mat will be brought to you.  If you say you’re tired, but you lay on the floor giggling, you will be asked to return to the exam room.

5. After the written exam, you will have a 10 minute “blocks improvisation test.”  You will be graded on your creativity.  Points will be subtracted for every block that you lick.

The Exam

Congratulations!  You’ve completed the exam!  Please head over to the next room for improvisational block time!

I think that test should do the trick.


PS If people are sending you awesome spam mail, PLEASE forward it to me so that I may annoy some people.  I’m bored.


  1. Is it bad that I failed the test?

  2. haha, that is so cute!
    i am definitely not... ;)

    stopping over from 20sb, btw.


  3. Yes, Rob. That is very bad. You must have not graduated from collage.

  4. There were two black people in that picture. I am so offended.

  5. Stacey's comment - LOL

    ROFL... You kicked the guy sitting next to you coz you needed an outlet! I would have been equally angry after reading that the girl was about to graduate "collage", what is wrong with the world nowadays?!

    And the Aladdin guy, I have always found him so furry and huggable, ever since I was a child!

    The test looks super challenging, I am scared and nervous :(

    A badly made Churro is hardly a Churro at all - How Deep!

    At least you're willing to make the change in your own special way, by sending a letter to the estranged Governor. That is the most important thing :)

  6. Apfel- You know what? You're right. Even though I don't know who the governor is...the fact that I'm out to better the American education system makes me a freaking hero. I WIN.

    ;) Whitney

  7. I'm surprised there wasn't a milk carton opening section on that test. Pre-schoolers can't manage to open those cartons for shit, so you kinda have to be an expert.

    Are any of those collage students supposed to be Hispanic? I'm offended that I can't really tell.


  8. Woah, woah, woah. Milk carton opening is at least a kindergarten level. Let's not jump ahead of ourselves here.

    I think the African-American lady probably has a Hispanic father. Yeah, for sure.


  9. Whit. OK, first, what's a passing score?

    Second, why did you ask us to lick the blocks. Now all the words are smeary on my comp screen.

    Third,how do I stay outside the lines and draw arrows inside (of the outside spots)? There are more areas than I can draw one arrow and point it at all of the outside spaces. Do I do separate arrows, or do I draw one of those multi-shated/multi-warhead arrow jobbies to point out each of the various outside the lins spots? I could do one GIANT arrow, and then (in parenthesis) name each of the specific spots the arrow is pointing at.

    Fourth,and this is a tough one, you didn't say, "Raise your hand and make a one-fingered salute, or a two-fingered one." How can you grade me on going to the bathroom if you don't know what I'm doing when I get there.

    Fifth, I pee in the sink. Please add a sink to the question block. Should you fail to do this within 24 hours, you are prejudiced. Peeing in sinks saves water. Lots and lots of water. (Buy the One-Cup Wonder Flush portable sink flush kit from Mooner Johnson Enterprises, LLC)[$9.99 for one, $16.49 for a pair] (specify his or hers)

    Sixth, I think that question 4 is racist. What's my score?

  10. Mooner, my friend, you have to THINK like a preschooler. You're score is: Teach College.

    I am alright with peeing in the sink. If you clean the sink once you're done, you might get extra credit.


  11. Whit. First, of course I clean after myself (see One-Cup Wonder Flush advertisement, above).

    Second, why has a sink not yet appeared on question numbered 3.? Prejudice is a terrible thing to waste, don't spend valuable capital on a trivial matter. (my attorneys will be in contact)

    Third, did you grade on a curve? If so, please provide grading matrix/matrices as applied.

  12. what's the answer for the last question? i think i might have failed it. HAHAHAHAHA.

  13. The answer to the last question is actually a trick. Use your neighbors sleeve? I think that's right.

  14. I hate it when college students can't spell basic words! I mean, I know some people don't have the gift of spelling, but by the age of 18 (which is when most people start college) we should have mastered the differences between your and you're at the very least. And if you're incapable of demonstrating this middle-school level ability, you should be required to go to prep school before starting college. I don't think this is too harsh!

  15. In other news, Wordpress let me subscribe to your blog today! Hoorayyyyyyy!

  16. @Manderinblue- Wooo! This is good news. And I'm glad someone is one my side here. I see professional documents with elementary spelling/grammar mistakes all the time...It's embarrassing. =p


  17. So funny, and so true! Where is our education system really going?

    One little correction though... there are actually lots of tests for preschool teachers. To get certified in Illinois for Early Education, you have to take Basic Skills, Content Area, and the APT, all of which are nasty, 5 hour tests. Yuck.

  18. Thanks for the comment you left on my blog about a million years ago. Love your writing!