Sunday, January 16, 2011

I Don’t Think I’m Going to Shave My Legs Tonight. Stop Thinking about My Legs.

Dear Internet Children,

I’m sorry it’s been so long, and I promise I will never be gone for so long ever again.

...

You know when you fall asleep in a cardboard box and then you wake up and your husband’s all like, “Did you just fall asleep in that cardboard box?”  And you’re all like, “Yeah, I just did that.  We need reenactment pictures.”  And then you take reenactment pictures, only you move the box slightly to the right so that people won’t see that you were sleeping kinda close to the trashcan?  Well I can relate because that happened to me this past weekend.

In my defense, I've been in this German class that last for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  Followed by 5 hours of studying.  Then I had to drive 2 hours.  Then I was selflessly playing with my cat because Ryan bought a new computer and who can resist playing in such an awesome, big box?

Actual Story...

I have a new favorite thing.  That favorite thing is when people who have never read my blog send me emails that are all like, “By reading your blog, I can tell that you’re a great cook.”  And I’m like, “Seriously?  I think the only time I ever mentioned food was when I said I was going to ignore my imaginary children to drink grown-up lemonade."  That’s not even cooking.  Only someone who didn’t know how to cook would even suggest that mixing drinks could possibly be considered “cooking.”  Anyways, I went searching through my email trying to find this one particular message that said something like, “Thank you for using your blog to make the world greener,” but I can’t find it, so I’m going to paraphrase it.  By “paraphrase,” I mean that I’m going to completely make up the email, and you’re just going to have to believe that I’m not lying to you.


The Email

Dear Whitney Bradley,

I have read your blog, and I noticed how you are taking action to make the world greener and cleaner!  Good for you!  I want you to know that I also care about the environment, for I am typing this from a “green” computer.  This means that I am sitting in a dead tree that I hollowed out, wearing a tank-top made of soy that I purchased after working for 3 weeks at my local vegetarian restaurant, “Hide That Bacon,” and my computer is powered by an extension cord that is twelve miles long and plugged in at a “green” coffee shop that has pictures of all the Kenyans, who have been paid more than 15 cents an hour, plastered all over the walls so that they don’t look as incriminating as Starbucks.  Wasn’t that a long sentence?  By making such a long sentence, I just saved some “.”s.  See how green I am?  Anyways, you should give my company some money.  Soy clothes don’t buy my themselves. 

Won’t you snuggle our world with us?
Earth Snugglers Inc.

The Email Back

Dear Earth Snugglers’ Inc.,

Nope.  I’m not snuggling your anything.  You haven't read my blog.  Although begin your email convincingly with, “I have read your blog, and I noticed how you...” rarely has anyone ever finished that sentence with anything but, “must not have graduated college.”  Did you even visit my blog?  I don’t mean “did you skim it it for blatantly obvious grammatical errors.”  Did you read that post that had pictures of me stabbing live trees with forks for the woodpeckers?  Woodpeckers are natures small and inefficient lumberjacks, Earth Snugglers’ Inc.  If ever there was an animal that should NOT be saved, it would be woodpeckers.  OR...do you remember that time when I had nothing to do so I went outside with a pair of tweezers and started plucking individual blades of grass from my lawn?  That’s because it hasn’t happened yet, but now I have plans for tomorrow.  I’m going to go back to my room and sit in my pile of yet-to-be-recycled pile of Dr. Pepper cans.  Maybe tonight I’ll try to hide them in the gas tank of my diesel engine trunk.  That is, if I can take a break from standing outside and spraying my aerosol hairspray directly into the wind.

Love you Bunches,
Whitney, of Plastic > Paper Inc.



I really like replying to emails with nonsensical emails because sometimes I get replies from really annoyed people.  I’m thinking about starting a business where you pay me $5, and I send emails to people you want to annoy, anger, or dump.  This business would probably only work for about a week before I would be assassinated and my obituary would be all like, “Everyone outlived Whitney.  Who’s Whitney?”  And I’d be all embarrassed from Heaven.

-Whitney

34 comments:

  1. Loving the socks! And anything that starts with a picture of a cat has me roped in in a heartbeat. Keep up the Earth saving, awesome cooking good work!

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  2. I'm wondering if I can apply for a job at Plastic > Paper, Inc. My first order of business would be a marketing campaign with the slogan "paper bags...are you f'ing kidding me?"

    I have already expressed how much I've missed your posts, so you should already know how much I enjoyed reading this one.

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  3. Yes, you waited too long between posts and it made me angry....or shall I say "Ich war voll wütend!!" Stop wasting your time with useless German....it's obviously creeping into your English grammar because only Germans have sentences with 20,000 words in them.

    Please make your next post about your awesome socks.

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  4. Reminds me of the time I got an email asking if I would endorse some product on my blog in exchange for a free copy of said software. I sent a polite response saying basically "No thanks, I'm not a sell-out."

    They responded saying that they were excited I had accepted their offer, and to e-mail a link to the blog post I endorse their product in and they'd send me my free software.

    ...Retarded.

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  5. You wouldn't be embarrassed from Heaven...I'm pretty sure Jesus would be high-fiving you. I know I would.

    P.S., I want in on these tweezer-lawn plans.

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  6. @Awkward- You are officially hired as my marketing manager. You get no vacation days, no benefits, and no money. Welcome aboard!

    @Rach- I wish those socks had a better story than, "My wonderful mother gave them to me for Christmas." I apologize for the long sentences. It's been a long week. Well, 2 weeks.

    Catherine- That is hilarious!

    -Whitney

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  7. @The Captain- You're can be a lawn tweezer with me. I have a big yard.

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  8. I once got an email about a free boat. I accepted said boat, but never received it. I never realized I was a nautical man until I won a free boat.

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  9. Your cat looks envious. Boxes are typically portable and efficient sleeping places for felines, dear. But I can see how ODing on hours of class time can make you forget that. I once fell asleep under my computer desk.

    ...and in a doll house.

    But I don't have much of an excuse for those.

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  10. Nonsensical emails for craigslist postings
    http://www.dontevenreply.com/
    hilarious

    love the tags

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  11. HAHAHAHAHA

    That post was HILARIOUS! Love it.

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  12. As both a German AND a woodpecker I am deeply offended.

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  13. Just so you know, I tried to subscribe to your blog but Wordpress says you don't have a feed. I don't know what that's about or if anyone else has mentioned having this problem, or even remotely how to fix it, but I thought you should know.

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  14. Lol @ this post..and If you had a business where did send out those emails to people who annoyed us...you wouldn't be embarassed from heaven--you'd be overjoyed at how much you are honored down here for having the guts to say whatever you want..hahaha funny post

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  15. lol@ Tree Snugglers! That cracks me up! The picture of you in the box with your cat looking at you like "WTF?!" is priceless!
    xo
    Candice
    www.theoldladyatheart.blogspot.com

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  16. @mandarinblue- I'll look into that. I know nothing about the internet in general so by "look into that" I mean that I will be aware of the problem and not fix it until someone helps me =p But I'll ask around.

    Whitney

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  17. I would hire you for $5! And then you can answer the millionty emails I get informing me I won money overseas and to simply reply with my name and city and WHAMMO, money.

    Lorraine

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  18. HI! thanks for reading/commenting on my blog : ) it's nice to meet new people... THIS POST MADE ME CRY LAUGHING. the plastic>paper picture is hysterical. it reminds me of this website www.27bslash6.com & basically all this guy does is send/respond to emails that piss people off. if you're thinking of starting a business, his is a really good model to follow :-D keep up the good work!

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  19. I love that your plastic bag has 'Meijer' on it. Probably my favorite store. When I moved away from Michigan and people asked what I missed, all I could really come up with was Meijer.

    Also, I almost snorted my drink out my nose reading this.

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  20. @Don't worry- Oh my goodness, that site is hilarious! He is brilliant!

    @Suz-I hope it wasn't anything carbonated because that can hurt. Oh Meijer...that is the only place I shop. I heard it is an awful place to work though =p

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  21. It's my first time here and I can see why your readers missed you so much while you were away! I want a job at Plastic > Paper Inc. too!!!!! Loved reading you, I am off to the next post :) You have a new follower now ;)

    P.S. I LOVE long sentences!!

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  22. cats + boxes = awesome. cats + boxes + falling asleep = epic. what a funny story...your writing style is really amusing and i enjoyed your post! thanks for your comment on my page, it made my day.

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  23. :) It made my day too ^^^ Blogrollin' ya!!

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  24. Ohmigod. You had me at "fall asleep in a cardboard box."

    Emailing spammers sounds a lot more fun than an old pastime of talking to telemarketers. 'Cause telemarketers, you can ask them about your day and all... but "stabbing live trees with forks" makes my nose hurt from laughing.

    Why the long-ass German classes? (she asks, realizing that the answer will probably become clear after more blog reading. great, now who's the weirdo emailing you sans blog intel?!) Anyway, that much language skillz in one day is exhausting, so viel Glueck if there's more of that ahead!!

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  25. @Lindsay- I don't think that I even kinda explained my German class. My school requires 2 years of a language, but if I take a 15-day course for like 14 hours a day, I on;y have to take one year, so I'm saving myself a TON of work, but I'm also super miserable! Yayyyyyy...

    ...Telemarketers can be fun too ;)

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  26. hey thanks for the comment on my blog! took a peek around here, love the sleeping in the box story, i can totally relate! :)

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  27. The pic of you in a cardboard box was hilarious :) Love the post! Thanks for the comment love...I'm a new follower...looking forward to more hilarious posts!

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  28. This is laugh out loud hysterical! Thanks for the comment on my blog, I definitely look forward to more laughs from you.

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  29. I think that when there's a big empty box just laying there, it's a law you have to play in it.. that's just how it works. x


    devorelebeaumonstre.com

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  30. As I went through your blog, I just couldn't help but think -- Wow, this is everything I wish *I* had written -- ranging from the faux hawk to like, strikethrough text and things. Awe-inspiring stuff.

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  31. that photo at the top is amazing. i laughed out loud at work when i saw it! the blogs not bad either :op

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  32. Who doesn't love playing in giant boxes? If Spongebob has taught us anything, it's that giant boxes are gateways to our imaginations.

    Does Plastic > Paper, Inc. need interns?

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  33. I don't like when people just read the first two sentences of your blog and comment on that...& they completely missed the whole objective of it... This had me dying "Wasn’t that a long sentence? By making such a long sentence, I just saved some “.”s. See how green I am?" That's pretty bad that person assumed something so way off, its pretty comical how you flipped it back on them. good work!

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  34. Ok, so I never fell asleep in a box but I have gone and just snuggled up in them before. Notably one time I was in the back seat of a friend's car while we were driving to the mall. I distinctly remember making comment, "I get why people live in boxes...this shiz is warm!" It was cold out.

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