Friday, October 22, 2010

My Job

Over the past ten-ish months I've been taking time off from school and working full time in an office. So. Damn. Boring. And I'm like the youngest person there, and by no means meant to be in a professional environment.

Just the other day, I was sitting in a staff meeting, and my new supervisor informed us that he can be very up front and direct in working with people and can, in doing so, sometimes inadvertently drop mild profanities. He apologized in advance for this and assured us that he was making efforts to break this habit.

While everyone else in the meeting nodded understandingly, I tried in vain to conceal an evil smile as I secretly conjured ways to see if I could provoke this habit.

…..I don't think I'm mature enough to work in such a grown-up setting.

**as a not-yet-grown-up working in a grown-up job, I have observed grown-ups in their natural grown-up habitat….and frankly, they often somehow seem more stupid than not-grown-ups.**

(1) People in offices forget how to walk…or at least, are unable to do so without finding it to be an unbearable hardship.

annoying coworker: Aww your cubicle is so secluded at this end of the room!! You know, you could ask them if you could move closer!! Aren't you lonesome here by yourself???

my brain: Well, not anymore, YOU just showed up. Can I get back to my work now, please???

my mouth: Aw shucks. No it's ok, it's quieter here.

annoying coworker: (long pause) ………but….we have to walk so farrrrr…….and if you were closer it'd be easier to tell you to do stuff for us…………………………

my brain: or you could just get off your lazy butt *grumble*grumble*…..

my mouth: *acquiescent silence*

(2) Women who work together have their own dialect of English, which involves stretching their words out reeeeeeeeallly lonnnnnnnnnngggg and HIIIIIIGH, like a demented dog whistle. A good place to have such conversations is next to the printer, which happens to be located where? Right. By. My. Cubicle.

(3) Office bathrooms ought to be a safe haven where one can get away from one's desk and enjoy a moment of privacy and silence whilst one relieves oneself.

….like this:

….instead, we find:

(4) And, last but not least….

When you're at the bottom of the office food chain, sometimes you have to suck it up and pretend you give a flying foot fungus.

me: So…there's this problem with the system and it's really complicated and technical blah blah blah, but what I mean to say is that this thing you asked me to do is impossible. So no.

higher-ranking soul sucker: Oh yeah. I think I recall accidentally breaking that. You'll have to call IT and nag them to get on it stat because even though I was put on that project a month ago I've been putting it off to play video games and now it CAN'T be late. And I need it in the next fourteen minutes. GO!

my brain: Believe it or not I actually don't get paid to cover your lazy butt and you should've thought this through in the first place you lazy…..

my mouth: I would LOVE to do that. While I'm at it, can I bring you a cup of coffee.

higher-ranking soul sucker: Make it scotch.

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